I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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