If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
