Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize