something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
