so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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