My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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