Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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