Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
