her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
