look no pants
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
