that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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