Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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