I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
