FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize