God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
