We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
