Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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