Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
