I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
