she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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