I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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