Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
