Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
