So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
