Can i not drive my cunt home
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
