with your own penis?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
