just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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