It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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