Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
