As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
