oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
