i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
