I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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