So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We need to get me chipped asap
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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