and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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