Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
