I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
