Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
