Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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