Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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