I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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