if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
