got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
