did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
