you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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