My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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