dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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