I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
