From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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