I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
