Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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