saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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