I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
