I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
