dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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