4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
