one might say we're banned from that church
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
