I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
