i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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