just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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