You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
