he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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