I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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