Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
