I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
