I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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