so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
